These first couple weeks of school have been a roller
coaster. The format is new, and so is the ambiguity. We meet as a class once a
week in the professor’s office to talk about the course material. We’ll see
some slides and have a discussion. I hope these discussions help create a
timeline of checkpoints, but I was told there is no set timeline or
assignments. This vague project is not working with my need for structure. I
work MUCH better when I have a task and due date. This time it’s one BIG
assignment with many components and it’s all due on the final day of class.
I’m struggling to put pen to paper and work out ideas. I can
research animals and natural things for weeks, but I have to stop and pick
something. I don’t know what to make. Initially it sounded awesome to have a
wide open project. Now I’m struggling to pick something. I know there are a lot
of components to get done before I can make a model. My brain is just spinning.
I try to sit down and do homework, but I get distracted. I can’t really use
books because they’re all in German. Using the internet is a great tool, but
more for getting sidetracked than for productivity.
I feel like I’m already way behind, yet I have no idea where
I should be. I see what Sam is doing and it makes me feel worse. He has great
sketching skills, and it sounds like he’s figured out what he wants to make
already. It’s happened to me in the past, and I think I’m going to have to do
it again; Force myself to stop and pick something!
It’s weird being in a new location with no materials. I hate
spending money, and I’m going to have to buy all new sand paper, cutting
blades, glue, tape, paper, and general building materials. The atmosphere is
different in the shop too. The workroom isn’t busy yet. I don’t get a good collaboration
vibe. I’ll have to just spend more time at school to warm up to people. I’m
going to have to ask for help, which will include a lot of stupid questions.
This whole process makes me nervous. I struggled with it a lot back in San
Jose, and now I face the same big problems in a new situation and foreign
language. I always pull through, but I really don’t know how it’s going to
happen.
Priorities? I’d love to spend more time on German. Not
knowing the language holds me back sometimes, and I just don’t like relying on
others’ knowledge of English. I’m the foreign kid. I shouldn’t need everyone to
speak MY language. In truth, I just don’t know enough to hold a conversation in
German. It really sucks. I need to study German more, but aren’t my design classes
the priority? The whole reason I came here was for school. Wasn’t it? Or was it
for the whole experience? Was it an excuse to travel? To meet new people? To
have fun? In the end, my projects will weigh heavily on my success level here.
If I don’t do work that my SJSU professors deem acceptable, did I waste my time
here? Am I really learning about myself? Design? Culture? Language? Am I still
holding back? Am I reverting to my old reclusive self?
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